According to Cambridge University psychologist, Terri Apter, 3 out of 4 couples experience significant conflict with their in-laws so chances are high that you are one of those 3 couples.
I am yet to meet a married girl who has in-laws and does not complain about them. Why are so many of them complaining I thought? There has to be something wrong with this system…
This is my analysis of the problem based on the examples that I have heard.
example 1 - a woman once told me 'my daughter in law does what she wants, she goes for parties, she also wears mini skirts and I have no objection. I have given her all the freedom and yet she does not behave well with me'.
And this is what I said to the lady -
Your daughter in law is a free citizen of a free nation, freedom is her birthright, Who exactly do you think you are to give her freedom?
And that is problem number 1. Just because someone is married to your son does not make you their authority. unless there is a change in the mindset how can there be any improvement in the relationship?
example 2 - Since I live in the USA I get to hear the problems ladies living outside of India have. The ladies travel to India for a few days in a year and before leaving for India they go through sleepless nights and anxiety attacks. Why? because they are not just expected to but also forced and mentally tortured to stay with their in-laws during the trip. Not obliging by it causes so much drama in their daily lives that they choose to rather oblige. It wrenches my heart when I hear these kinds of stories.
The ladies have their own parents that they are wanting to spend time with, just like your sons do. Torturing women to sacrifice time with their parents is nothing but cruel.
The man has his own side of the family and the woman has her own side of the family, it is an amalgamation of families, no one family owns the other person.
Daughter in law is solely responsible for the entire family’s happiness, she is at the bottom of the ladder in the family and has to prove herself, she has to respect no matter what, she needs to sacrifice her feelings and her family, and after marriage in-laws' house is where she belongs.
If you think this way - REALLY! What century do you come from? How can anybody think that getting married means the end of her relationship with her parents, who gave her birth, who did everything for her, and because of whom she is and has - whether it’s professional or personal achievements? Many Indian men live with uncut umbilical cords all their lives and expect women to sacrifice. Unfair. Illogical. Unhuman.
Example 3 -
A lot of people have asked me to compare my sister in laws based on how much they have cared for me and my parents. No one has ever asked me to compare me and my brothers based on the caring factor.
It is fascinating to see that women are expected to take care of their in-laws. The ladies are not little care packages sent to take care of your family, your parents are your responsibility, the ladies have their own parents to take care of.
What generally happens is people become part of an extended family, spend time with each other, show each other respect, get fond of each other and then want to spend more time with each other and then start caring for each other, which has happened with my sisters-in-law organically, but that scenario is different than someone being judged solely based on gender roles. Regressive thinking regarding women and gender roles prevails in the world, many times it is unconscious, it is so deep-rooted in our psyche that people don't even realize that they are being biased.
Example 4 - "You know Rasika, this X person cooks for 10 people every day, and also, she is not allowed to eat before her in-laws do, but she is managing it wonderfully. she is so courageous".
When I heard those words I thought I had time traveled to the 1600s. I feel that on many occasions. Time travel would be fun but preferably to the future, and I am assuming humans have evolved in the future.
So this X person was not allowed to eat at her own will. Just so you know..Even when she was pregnant. And she is called courageous for abiding by some stupid egomaniac people.
Sacrificing, obedience, getting tortured, and yet not speaking a word against it, not standing up for yourself are not a courageous person's strengths they are a weak person's weaknesses. When it comes to women Don't glorify sacrifice and obedience, these very characteristics shackle them.
Example 5 - Ever heard any in-laws getting mad to see that their son was taking care of the household chores? I have seen this happening with many of my girlfriends.
I find it quite weird when people complain ‘oh my son has to help her in the kitchen’. What that means is household chores are her responsibility and the husband has to help her. They both have full-time jobs, they both own a house, they both together made kids - tell me how is it her job to take care of all of it? These tasks are their responsibilities - together. He isn't helping her, he is just owning the fair share of his responsibilities.
I have heard many more examples of women being observed, judged, and criticized by their husband's family... for being different, for following different customs, habits, traditions, gods - and at times for not following any.
I have a little Advice for the men - A friend once told me that her mother in law asks questions like "How was the party you went to yesterday? how does your new dress look?".
I asked her what was wrong with her asking those questions. And she said, " But I never told her that I bought a new dress or went to a party,
So, Her husband was providing this trivial information to his mother. Here is the thing - DON'T DO THAT.
From what your wife wears to the status of her menstrual cramps, is her private information. you can not provide it to your parents just because you happen to know it. Unless you have her consent which is unlikely.
if you want to complain about her then find a friend, don't criticize her in front of your parents. She already has a strained relationship with them and you are going to strain it even further by complaining about her.
let your parents know clearly that you will not allow them to treat your wife shabbily or even with an authority. From what I hear, when a husband stands by his wife, nobody from his family bothers her.
Advice for the women -
Stand up for yourself -
because not speaking about it is like giving them permission to behave badly with you. And then you will have to go on taking all that controlling, criticism and BS.
Know that as an adult, you get to decide when you eat, what you eat, where you stay when you visit India or how you share the household responsibilities with your partner. You have freedom of choice.
Advice for the Girl's parents:
A friend’s mother told her that she needs to be strong, and that means don’t settle with any kind of torture by your in-laws or for that matter by anyone - but stand up against it.
This is the kind of parent we should aspire to be. If your daughter is tortured emotionally, physically by her husband or in-laws, she is going to need support. And you will need to stand by her when she is standing up against cruelty.
Till today Thousands of women leave their husbands because they are tortured, some even brutally, at the hands of their in-laws, no need to say that a change in our mentality towards women needs to happen right away.
And I know there are extreme examples of women killed for dowry by inlaws but the examples I mentioned in this post are not trivial, they are equally important because we unnecessarily torture women on an emotional level, we deprive them of leading wholesome free lives by controlling them for irrelevant things and chip away at the quality of their life.