The in-laws problem

According to Cambridge University psychologist, Terri Apter, 3 out of 4 couples experience significant conflict with their in-laws so chances are high that you are one of those 3 couples.

I am yet to meet a married girl who has in-laws and does not complain about them. Why are so many of them complaining I thought? There has to be something wrong with this system…

This is my analysis of the problem based on the examples that I have heard. 

example 1 - a woman once told me 'my daughter in law does what she wants, she goes for parties, she also wears mini skirts and I have no objection. I have given her all the freedom and yet she does not behave well with me'.

And this is what I said to the lady - 

Your daughter in law is a free citizen of a free nation, freedom is her birthright, Who exactly do you think you are to give her freedom?
And that is problem number 1. Just because someone is married to your son does not make you their authority. unless there is a change in the mindset how can there be any improvement in the relationship? 

example 2 - Since I live in the USA I get to hear the problems ladies living outside of India have. The ladies travel to India for a few days in a year and before leaving for India they go through sleepless nights and anxiety attacks. Why? because they are not just expected to but also forced and mentally tortured to stay with their in-laws during the trip. Not obliging by it causes so much drama in their daily lives that they choose to rather oblige. It wrenches my heart when I hear these kinds of stories. 

The ladies have their own parents that they are wanting to spend time with, just like your sons do. Torturing women to sacrifice time with their parents is nothing but cruel. 

The man has his own side of the family and the woman has her own side of the family, it is an amalgamation of families, no one family owns the other person.

Daughter in law is solely responsible for the entire family’s happiness, she is at the bottom of the ladder in the family and has to prove herself, she has to respect no matter what, she needs to sacrifice her feelings and her family, and after marriage in-laws' house is where she belongs. 

If you think this way - REALLY! What century do you come from? How can anybody think that getting married means the end of her relationship with her parents, who gave her birth, who did everything for her, and because of whom she is and has - whether it’s professional or personal achievements? Many Indian men live with uncut umbilical cords all their lives and expect women to sacrifice. Unfair. Illogical. Unhuman.

Example 3 -

A lot of people have asked me to compare my sister in laws based on how much they have cared for me and my parents. No one has ever asked me to compare me and my brothers based on the caring factor.

It is fascinating to see that women are expected to take care of their in-laws. The ladies are not little care packages sent to take care of your family, your parents are your responsibility, the ladies have their own parents to take care of. 

What generally happens is people become part of an extended family, spend time with each other, show each other respect, get fond of each other and then want to spend more time with each other and then start caring for each other, which has happened with my sisters-in-law organically, but that scenario is different than someone being judged solely based on gender roles. Regressive thinking regarding women and gender roles prevails in the world, many times it is unconscious, it is so deep-rooted in our psyche that people don't even realize that they are being biased.

Example 4 - "You know Rasika, this X person cooks for 10 people every day, and also, she is not allowed to eat before her in-laws do, but she is managing it wonderfully. she is so courageous". 

When I heard those words I thought I had time traveled to the 1600s. I feel that on many occasions. Time travel would be fun but preferably to the future, and I am assuming humans have evolved in the future. 

So this X person was not allowed to eat at her own will. Just so you know..Even when she was pregnant. And she is called courageous for abiding by some stupid egomaniac people. 

Sacrificing, obedience, getting tortured, and yet not speaking a word against it, not standing up for yourself are not a courageous person's strengths they are a weak person's weaknesses. When it comes to women Don't glorify sacrifice and obedience, these very characteristics shackle them.

Example 5 - Ever heard any in-laws getting mad to see that their son was taking care of the household chores? I have seen this happening with many of my girlfriends. 

I find it quite weird when people complain ‘oh my son has to help her in the kitchen’. What that means is household chores are her responsibility and the husband has to help her. They both have full-time jobs, they both own a house, they both together made kids - tell me how is it her job to take care of all of it? These tasks are their responsibilities - together. He isn't helping her, he is just owning the fair share of his responsibilities.

I have heard many more examples of women being observed, judged, and criticized by their husband's family... for being different, for following different customs, habits, traditions, gods - and at times for not following any. 

I have a little Advice for the men - A friend once told me that her mother in law asks questions like "How was the party you went to yesterday? how does your new dress look?".

I asked her what was wrong with her asking those questions. And she said, " But I never told her that I bought a new dress or went to a party, 

So, Her husband was providing this trivial information to his mother. Here is the thing - DON'T DO THAT.

 

From what your wife wears to the status of her menstrual cramps, is her private information. you can not provide it to your parents just because you happen to know it. Unless you have her consent which is unlikely.

if you want to complain about her then find a friend, don't criticize her in front of your parents. She already has a strained relationship with them and you are going to strain it even further by complaining about her.

let your parents know clearly that you will not allow them to treat your wife shabbily or even with an authority. From what I hear, when a husband stands by his wife, nobody from his family bothers her. 

Advice for the women -

Stand up for yourself -

because not speaking about it is like giving them permission to behave badly with you. And then you will have to go on taking all that controlling, criticism and BS.

Know that as an adult, you get to decide when you eat, what you eat, where you stay when you visit India or how you share the household responsibilities with your partner. You have freedom of choice.

 

 

Advice for the Girl's parents: 

A friend’s mother told her that she needs to be strong, and that means don’t settle with any kind of torture by your in-laws or for that matter by anyone - but stand up against it. 

This is the kind of parent we should aspire to be. If your daughter is tortured emotionally, physically by her husband or in-laws, she is going to need support. And you will need to stand by her when she is standing up against cruelty.

Till today Thousands of women leave their husbands because they are tortured, some even brutally, at the hands of their in-laws, no need to say that a change in our mentality towards women needs to happen right away.

And I know there are extreme examples of women killed for dowry by inlaws but the examples I mentioned in this post are not trivial, they are equally important because we unnecessarily torture women on an emotional level, we deprive them of leading wholesome free lives by controlling them for irrelevant things and chip away at the quality of their life.

New video - the story of confirmation bias

 

Women and their cooking

Question 1 - If you get picked up at the airport by a man, you spend the night at his house, he orders a pizza for dinner, you eat, sleep and leave the next day, reach your home ... what will you tell about the man to your family?

Question 2 - If you get picked up at the airport by a woman, you spend the night at her house, she orders a pizza for dinner, you eat, sleep and leave the next day, reach your home ... what will you tell about the woman to your family?

Question 3 - If you get picked up at the airport by a family, you spend the night at their house, they order a pizza for dinner, you eat, sleep and leave the next day, reach your home ... what will you tell about the family to your family?

Here is a generalized answer sheet for these questions -

Answer 1 - the man was awesome, warm, and welcoming, he went out of the way to take care of me.

Answer 2 - the woman picked me up fine but you know what, she didn't even cook for me, she ordered pizza, oh how much did I miss home-cooked food.

Answer 3 - the family picked me up, the man has a beautiful house, but you know what, the woman didn't even cook for me, she ordered pizza, oh how much did I miss home-cooked food.

I personally have experienced being judged on my cooking enthusiasm and skills many many times. So it does not matter what I did for the guests they always complained behind my back saying she didn't cook for me.

It is expected of women that they are welcoming and warm by cooking for the guests, this is never an expectation from the men. I don't understand these kinds of people. Most of the new generation ladies do not have their hobby/pastime set as cooking, they do not even boast about their cooking skills and nor do I. But don't get me wrong, I eat, simple home-cooked, fresh food every day, I don't cook because I am a woman but because it is a good idea to eat home-cooked meals (at least 9/10). I do not like to cook, I am not a confident cook either so if there was a huge party of sorts then the biggest way I can help is by staying away from the kitchen, and guess what, I know many more ladies who are like me.

How many of you were told this phrase that 'the road to a man's heart goes through his stomach'.

If someone tells me that phrase then I tell them I would rather get to a person's heart through their brain, trust me many men have one. 

How many times have you been for a lunch/dinner party where women are in the kitchen while men are sitting outside in the living room, chatting away... I don't understand that... and I don't just sit there thinking why are the women cooking and men are sitting outside ... I go out and about and express it, speak about it, sometimes nicely and sometimes harshly, does not matter if people call me a madwoman, there are people who laugh at me and they don't even understand that the joke is actually on them.  orthodox/idiotic/regressive thought process is the laughable thing in today's times. 

It is high time the world changes, we are an advanced/intelligent species to be living with such idiotic customs. It is high time that we stop judging women based on if they cooked for us or not. 

Favorite City

 

I leave a piece of my heart in every city I visit. Every place I go, I visit it with a curious and an open mind. So far there hasn't been a city/ village/ town that I didn't like.

 

I feel connected to every other place in India, it will be another post if I want to write about India. Outside of India, my favorite city is London, because it is special. The first place that I visited outside India was London.

 

Switzerland is my favorite country because it is extremely scenic and I went there on my own, walked the streets on my own, somewhere deep down in hope that I will find my Raj there - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge hangover! No need to tell you that I didn't find any Raj but figured out that traveling alone is so much fun.

 

Seattle obviously is very close to my heart. There is no place on earth like Seattle, the emerald city. I have lived in quite a few places and Seattle is where I have lived for the longest... more than 12 years.

 

New York felt like oxygen. But Paris my friends, is magical. If I had to pick a city where I would like to go back and wander aimlessly and still stumble upon culture, history, museums and charming neighborhoods it would definitely be Paris. I have so much ground to cover on this earth, but I am adding Paris, and France for that matter (Nice, Antibe, Canne), to the 'must go back again' list.

New video - Best Biology Books

 

The business of spirituality- new video

 

Best Books by Dr Michio Kaku

 

The habit of reading books

 

Confirmation Bias

Confirmation bias is our tendency to cherry-pick information that confirms our 
existing beliefs or ideas. 

And how do we form beliefs and ideas?
Many of them are imbibed in us since childhood, our background, reading, upbringing, surroundings.

Confirmation bias is somewhat linked to our memories. 

We have a fondness for recalling evidence that backs up our beliefs. 

As Leo Tolstoy wrote:

The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he 
has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot 
be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that 
he knows already, without a shadow of doubt, what is laid before him.

Examples of confirmation bias are endless and are not just restricted to faith and religions. 

Take for example - Homeopathy
The multibillion-dollar homeopathy industry is an example of mass confirmation bias.
Homeopathy was invented by a French researcher studying histamines. 
He became convinced that as a solution of histamines was diluted, the effectiveness increased due to what he termed “water memories.” 
He was so certain of his hypothesis that he found data to confirm it and ignored

 that which did not. 

And the same thing applies for people using homeopathy. They will not read the
 research done by thousands of scientists all over the world to show that homeopathy is a fraud. 
They will read articles that support homeopathy and deny the fact 
that the medicine simply gives them a placebo effect.
Countries like India recognize an entire medical degree in Homeopathy. This just helps spread the confirmation bias.  

We would still be living in idiotic primeval times if no one was challenging the people in power who make decisions. 

Same applies on a personal level. If no one challenges our thought process then how does a person grow? How do we evolve? How do we come out of the bubbles of ideas that we are born and brainwashed into.
When we read/ listen/ discuss/ watch things that do not support our own beliefs
 is the time when we get a different perspective, and see the world through
 a new lens. 

And We all have confirmation biases. However small or big.

The complexity of confirmation bias arises partly from the fact that it is impossible to overcome it without an awareness of the concept.
 
If we talk about our beliefs then we need to think 
Do I just want to prove myself right in this conversation or Is it my confirmation 
bias that I need to work on?
The biggest confirmation bias I had was when it came to fitness and diet. 

I have seen my parents work out every day - doing yoga and going for walks. 

And so it was imbibed it in me unconsciously, that exercise is a part of our day

 like brushing our teeth and that those are the best forms of exercises.
 

My parents eat after every few hours, everything including sugar but in little quantities, And that is how I exercised and that is how I ate.

 

 If anyone said anything against it then I made sure to read more articles that supported my belief and sent them over to shut people up.
Why did I or anyone else does that?
 
because we would rather keep doing the same things that now have become a 
way of our life, they are convenient and are in our comfort zone.  Learning a 
new way means agreeing that what we and our parents and people around us did all their lives was wrong all along.And how can we let that happen? 
So we hold on to it even tighter when challenged. 

 
And then I happened to come across articles on intermittent diet, and how sugar is poison even if eaten in small quantity, and also about the importance of cardio, strength and HIIT - High Intensity Interval Training. 

 

So the point is we all need to sit down for a second and ask ourselves... 
why do I follow/ believe what I believe and how can I get another perspective 
on the matter? 

And I truly feel that we will find multiple things about ourselves, exercise and diet is just one example I told you about me, I still have a number of 
them and I am working on it... 
And I am not ashamed to admit it.
I am not one of those who says ‘this is how I am’ 

I am not.

 I will keep on changing.
Because I feel Becoming is more important than just being... 
 being is stagnant, becoming is evolving and evolving is the ultimate success
 of any human being, society, company or country.

Or is it just my confirmation bias talking? 
Maybe I got to ponder over that too. 

Wink. ;-)

Women, childbirth and their careers

After having a kid, were you advised that now it would be good if you let go of your job and focus on the family, marriage and child?

And some stupid comments like – the one who earns lesser should leave the job to take care of a child.

Due to historical advantages men obviously have more, they earn more. 

Till today the notion is it is women who need to sacrifice their ambition, dream, career and their financial independence. 

It is always a woman who takes a backseat after having children. Well, women scale back their career ambitions in order to focus on domestic matters – this inequality at home perpetuates inequality at work and also their salary. 

A man once said to me after watching my video 'the cooking chromosome' that - “men don’t cook because the one who earns less should take care of all house chores...” 

But Salaries are based on a bunch of factors.

Maybe the man is a doctor and the woman is a nurse, they both work equal hours, the doctor is obviously going to earn more but how do you define who worked more?

If you were hospitalized for a couple of days after your surgery then who would you remember when you go home? Doctor or nurse? I have always remembered the nurses…

They are the caregivers.

Maybe the man is a software engineer and his spouse is volunteering at an orphanage,

the man earns, the spouse doesn’t, but in the end who exactly has earned more? 

How do you define that? 

A person who earns more should not be responsible for the house chores - If you are saying that then you won’t stop there, this kind of person will also go on and say I will make all the decisions in this house because I earn more. 

That being said, sometimes bigger incomes are associated with more hours at work. In this case, I think the higher income earner should spend some of that money on a cleaning/ cooking service so there's less overall housekeeping to do for both of them.

And I feel every Working Mom Must Ask these questions Before Quitting their job -

Ask yourself, is this a choice I would make if I were the higher-earning partner whose career was prioritized? 

ask your partner: How can you equalize domestic labor and childcare?

Ask your employer for more support for caregiving employees or if you can take an unpaid leave of absence, or work part-time.

Don’t quit your aspirations due to societal pressures and the idiotic reasoning of who earns more gets to keep the job. If women quit jobs then the higher earning party will always be men!

Society is never happy, it doesn't matter what we do, and making them happy should not be our goal.

Roar - fresh perspectives on womanhood

 

Some More Movies...

The Grand Budapest Hotel - Liked it, I had a smile all along.

Banglore Days - A top notch simple ,smooth and sweet three hour drama dwelling in and out with emotions of love and friendship....

Moonrise kingdom - Strange, beautiful, innocent, funny, weird, and just an amazing amazing movie. Highly Recommended.

Shabdo - A very different Bengali movie which shows the trauma of a sound artist as he slowly gets disconnected from the humane sound to others......Great film, ambitious concept!!!

About Elly - What I like about Farhadi's films is he is not force feeding the audience with a set of preconceived notions, rather than asserting his own world vision he opens a space in which the audience get to be independent thinkers than being just consumers. About Elly is simple, elegant and yet incredibly complicated and tense. 

Katyar kalajat ghusali - This Marathi movie is all about, Music , FriendShip , Forgiveness , love , ego, Help , Anger , Hatred. This is a must watch movie and I hope it reaches an audience worldwide.

Bajirao mastani - Liked Bhansali's portrayal of the Peshwa reign. 

Women and Reservations

Is the 30% reservation (in universities/ politics) a favor to women?

It is not.

Right to education, right to inheritance, right to family name, right to performing the parents’ last rites, right to freedom, public spaces, traveling, right to self-reliance, right to second chances in life, remarriage, parental love, even right to be born have all been reserved for men for centuries. 
Politics, governance and law making is also reserved for men. 

Women even today, are discouraged from taking their careers too seriously, career for women is seen as an option (and Getting and Staying Married as the goal). So the playing field is not level.
The entire society benefits from a system where every member has the opportunity to realize their full potential and to contribute to the best of their ability.


We need a society where women are valued by their families and that is not possible until they stop being ‘liabilities’ – which is not possible until they are provided equal and fair opportunities. 


Is it stupid to demand equality where physical labor is involved? 

 One should be paid for the amount of work done not for one’s physical strength, because no two men (or women) are equally strong, and a stronger worker may or may not work more.

Equal pay for equal work is fair. Women are generally not paid as much for the same amount of work. Even today it is believed that a man has to support his family so he should be better paid.

If a woman demands equality, should she behave exactly like a male?

Being equal means having equal rights to justice, opportunities, and happiness.

Equality does not mean some people need to behave like other people. And all men (or all women) are not alike either. Equality would mean men and women being able to be themselves – sometimes they might want to do some things that were earlier ‘reserved for men’.

Equality also means men have an equal right to enjoy cooking, caring for family, raising children, crying or dancing. It does not mean they have to behave exactly like women to be treated as equals.
Also consider, does a Chinese, a Maharashtrian, a Malayali, a Canadian, an Ethiopian or a Goan man behave exactly alike? But everybody is and should be equal in the eyes of the law and society.

Quantum Helgoland

 

How to paint by numbers -

 

The feminist men!

 Men don’t deserve our ‘gratitude’ for taking interest in feminism.

Patriarchy, as a social system, is responsible for the suppression of women on a daily basis.

So you don’t get a cookie for taking interest in or being a part of the struggle against a system of oppression that shouldn't have existed in the first place.

Fighting for equal rights doesn't make you a ‘great guy’, it is just a basic human thing to do.

Pondering relationships...

There are two stages of relationships... 

first stage is passionate - where people are curious about each other, they want to spend every minute with each other, can not keep their hands off each other and whatnot... 

there is newness, butterflies in stomach, there is not much history of arguments and fights, it is as good as a blank slate, I mean yes, there are also some negative emotions associated in this phase... because they are trying to figure each other out, 

so there can be misunderstandings, overreactions, trust issues, misinterpretations and whatnot...

People fly high in the first phase... the question is not how high they fly... the question is how they land. The landing has to be smooth, it can not crash when it lands, because the landing is stage 2 of relationships all relationships reach the second stage (the ones that survive) .. some in few weeks, some in months and some in years... it is impossible for human beings to survive in the passionate stage for long... the fantasies are taken over by reality... and also by routine and getting into mundane things that need to be taken care of. 

And I call the second stage ‘compassionate stage’ - In this stage there is familiarity... couples know what the other person likes dislikes, there is probably less passion left but then there is love... and it can be stronger and more on an emotional level because of togetherness, being there for each other through sickness to success... and getting into a comfort zone where people don't have to dress up for each other or hide behind any pretenses. You know you can depend, rely on this person through thick and thin... things are predictable.

In compassionate stage couples truly become a unit, a family, they care for each other, they become one... metaphorically... they tap into each other's rhythm, moods, routine, there is trust. Some couples actually start looking like each other.

 I mean the first stage is quite luring, intense, beautiful but second stage can be more amazing... and more stress free... because it can take us to beautiful bond of companionship... 

What are your thoughts?

New battlegrounds - The WhatsApp Groups!

We all have patterns about the kind of information we like or dislike on social media, for example, I absolutely do not care to find out what people are eating or what their kids are drawing or how their dogs are chasing a ball. 

I wouldn't want to know that kind of information from my immediate family too. 

On Facebook, Instagram and other platforms we can choose the people we want to follow. And that too we get to see their posts if and when we login. No sweat.

With the advent of WhatsApp everyone who has our phone number can reach us. Not bad, as mostly people who are close to us have our phone number and communicating/ keeping in touch with good friends/ family members got so much easier. All good so far. 

Then one day we are added to WhatsApp groups because someone suddenly realizes that 'hey we can have a group with everyone who we went to kindergarten with or went to college with'. 

Then the list of groups we are part of keeps building up, the apartment complex where we live, the pilates/ dance and other classes that we go to, immediate family, cousins, friends from our old neighborhood... and the list goes on. 

I was happy to be part of a few groups because planning got so much easier. 

Coordinating for a dance performance that is coming up... planning a Diwali get-together with community friends, who is bringing what food, decoration everything planned without having to start an email chain and whatnot.

You know, I went to many schools as my father got transferred to a new town every 2 years. And I got added to all those school/ college/ neighborhood groups. 

And the downside of being part of WhatsApp groups - forwards, good morning messages, and again people sharing too much irrelevant information that does not interest us - such as dogs! 

I couldn't keep up with the information overload. Also, those were friendships based on the love and memories that we shared in the past, with nothing common in the present moment, nothing that I could connect on in the present moment (same applies to many relatives too, by the way).

So, I exited many groups. 

And WhatsApp has no graceful way to handle someone exiting a group. It announces to the whole group - 'Rasika Mahabal left the group'. And then we can have some answering to do on private messages - as to why we left the group.

Now that being said, I still remained part of some groups.

And I don’t know if everyone has experienced this, but slowly I realized the vicious nature of group chats. WhatsApp groups are the new battlegrounds. 

And the fights/ arguments happening on WhatsApp are about opinions. From political party to belief system.

I mean I have left a couple of groups when I realized that the group members were racist, Islamophobic, misogynistic, homophobic. And I felt ashamed of myself for ever being associated with such people.

And I wondered why didn't I see that side of them before? What is it with WhatsApp conversations that brings out the true colors of people?

Why wouldn't they discuss such sensitive topics in-person and why are they taking out all their frustration in WhatsApp chats? Why has it become a cauldron of heated discussions?

On Instagram and FB people have this hunky-dory image that they carry but since we have WhatsApp groups with people we are already very familiar with all the guards are off, everything goes unfiltered. 

 WhatsApp groups have become a hub of political campaigning, fake news forwards, demeaning political jokes, online bullying, and intolerance leading to hatred.

But we need to remember that when we talk about sensitive topics WhatsApp is not the right medium... as the person reading the messages has no way to find out the tone of our messages.

 One could very well be joking about something and it can be misconstrued.... you want to discuss something sensitive - pick up the phone... because us spending hours on group chats to convince people about our opinions on some political party is no use...they are not going to change their opinions, the only thing that can be achieved through such group chats is fights...

I have a strict rule to be a part of WhatsApp groups now...I am part of them if they are strictly related to planning things - 

"hey, going biking, anyone wants to join... what time do we meet?" .... and that kind of conversation.

But it all comes down to the basics...and these are serious questions we need to ask ourselves. What is the need for heated topics on WhatsApp groups? 

Why continue spreading poison through relationships over disagreements of opinions…. It's time for us all - to introspect. 

Introspect... what purpose do we want to use WhatsApp groups for, how do the discussions and showing disagreements on these groups help us and the other person... if we want to change their mind then is a group chat the right medium to do that? 

And what points are important to make or break relationships. For example, for me - I can't take misogynistic, racist shit, in-person or on WhatsApp. And I am sure you all have breaking points... but just try to think can it be a disagreement over political party? Can it be a disagreement over what brand you use? 

And I am assuming that we all have experienced it that people break relationships even with family members over a heated discussion over a political party that happened on a WhatsApp group! 

So, what if they support a political party that we do not like? Is politics above relationships?

Why can't we keep WhatsApp groups a happy and mostly a useful place?